"A New Way to Process Conflict"

Courtesy of Proverbs 31 Ministries...

"When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly." Proverbs 31:26 (MSG)

It was like we were speaking two different languages. Even though my friend and I were both talking in English, we couldn't seem to understand each other. I started the conversation with the assumption we would see things the same way, but emotions rose, opinions conflicted, and wounds were inflicted. How did we get here?

After a little cooling-off period, I called a wise, truth-telling friend. I told her the basic outline of the conversation, trying to keep it neutral. Finally I asked, "What do you think went wrong?" She astutely turned the question back to me. "What could you have done differently?"

Honestly, at first, I couldn't think of one thing. After all, I was convinced this conflict wasn't my fault! But after some reflection, God began to soften my heart and show me some big mistakes I made.

I called my friend during an extremely busy time in her life with a suggestion that would add to her overloaded schedule. Instead of being sensitive, I pushed and pushed my own agenda. As our emotions escalated, my defensiveness increased, making my responses sharp and prickly.

My wise friend who I had called for advice gently prodded, "How could you have listened more carefully? Would truly listening have made you more compassionate? How could you have responded with more grace?"

For the rest of the afternoon, God etched a new way of interacting in hard situations on my heart. This is the truth He carved: Listen with compassion. Speak with grace.

Listen with Compassion
Years ago, my pastor shared an invaluable method for re-adjusting his attitude when dealing with conflict. He asks, "Is this behavior consistent with the person's general character?"

Wow! If I had applied that question in the conversation with my friend, I would have remembered her kindness, her servant heart and her calm nature. Then I might have wondered what was changing her normal response. I could have been compassionate toward her and the stress she was under. I would've listened with a heart to serve her, instead of insisting on my own way.

At its core, listening with compassion is simply obeying the biblical commands to die to ourselves (John 12:24-25) and to consider others more highly than ourselves (Philippians 2:3).

Speak with Grace
Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (NIV). There is no downside to a gentle, grace-filled answer. I'm embarrassed to admit that I've often viewed responding this way as losing or giving in. That's simply not true. Needed truths can be told in very kind and gentle ways. Just think about how my wise friend treated me when I sought her advice.

Before I called my friend to ask for forgiveness and clear up the misunderstanding, I prayed for a Jesus-sized dose of compassion and grace.

Since then, I've been rehearsing "Listen with Compassion - Speak with Grace" over and over in my mind. Last week I had a chance to put it into practice when I received a difficult email. My first response was defensiveness, but then I started to repeat my new way of processing until I could hear the needs in the email with compassion and respond with grace.

I love how God gave me the chance to practice when I had time to take a breath, pause, rehearse my new motto and then respond. Life and relationships are filled with conflict, so I have no doubt I'll have a chance to practice again. Next time, I'm praying I'll be ready!

Mentoring Moms

Our 3rd meeting of the year...

I’m a mom with a 19 year old and a 17 year old. One has been in college for 2 years and I am about to graduate my “baby”. I have been homeschooling for 14 years so I am graduating tooJ. I am truly blessed because my girls are really good in spite of all my mistakes as a parent. Praise God for he is good.

I used the illustration of ironing to help me communicate how our children are like garments that we must know before we iron them. We must know what fabric they are made of, the structure they are to hold and what temperature they can withstand.  Are these wrinkles or are they pleats. The first I will want to get out, but the later I will want to iron very carefully so as not to ruin the garment. Do I use a cool iron? Medium heat? Can I use steam? This  is where temperaments come in. We are born with different temperaments/personalities. Gary Smally and John Trent developed a fun way to classify them: the Lion (dominance), Otter(influence), Golden Retriever(steadiness), and Beaver(compliance). Each personality has strength’s and weaknesses. Our job as mother’s is to understand our children’s personalities with their strength’s and weaknesses and train them by praying God’s word which is our iron and the holy spirit is the steam. Proverb’s 22:6 tells us to “train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he won’t depart” so it is important to know their strengths and weaknesses so we can TRAIN them/Direct them. As we train them they become more balanced. As an example, a Lion’s strength’s are strong willed and independent with weaknesses of seeming domineering and unemotional. As a mother of a Lion we would want to pray this  way.  May_________________ obey his/her parents in the Lord, for this is right. Ephesians 6:1.  They are wired to be in charge, but a 5 yr old is just not ready for the job yet, so we must help them.  They need to learn that the ultimate one we are to be obedient to is Our Lord Jesus. May_________ show his/her love for Christ by obeying His commands. John 14:15.  We can pray Job 22:21 to petition for submission to authority. For the weaknesses we can pray for a servant’s heart by praying 2 Timothy 2:24-25- As the Lord’s servant, may ___________ not be quarrelsome, but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. I LOVE this! That is sooo how we want out Lion to turn out to be. By knowing your child’s strengths and weaknesses you can pray purposefully and passionately for their heart’s  by using God’s word effectively. It says in James 5:16B The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. Let’s use the iron the Lord has given us-His word. Even before they become readers we can direct them to the word when we are disciplining them.

There was a point I had wanted to share in this area that I forgot so if you don’t mind I will share now. When Rebekka (my oldest) was young (@ 7 or 8), she was still very strong willed and she didn’t want to obey. At children’s church they were doing a series about obeying your parents, but not just obeying,  obeying ALL the way they called it. This was something the Lord brought at the right time. What an answer to prayer. Because it was not just coming from her parents, (it was coming from the Children’s pastor) we began to see a change in her. She began to obey a little more, however her attitude was still not obeying. Her body was obedient but her heart was not.  If I asked her to pick up her toys and put them away, she would pick them up roughly and storm out the room, gritting her teeth saying ”fine, I’ll put them away”. So the Lord gave us  the phrase “ are you obeying or obeying all the way?” to help train her and God worked on her heart.  Our prayer was that she would obey ALL the way.  And we are blessed that the Lord worked in her this way to give us a very respectful, obedient daughter.

We must also know our children’s Love language before we can truly understand how God made them to receive love. The five love languages are:

1.       Word’s of affirmation

Lots of I love you’s are important and the reason why is icing on the cake

2.       Quality Time

Undivided attention-Being therewith no distractions/chores, TV, etc.

3.       Acts of service

Doing things for them like fixing a broken toy is the bomb.

4.       Receiving gifts

Loves gifts-a piece of candy is the crown jewels to this child.

5.       Physical touch

Hugs and kisses mean the world to these children.

We all need all of these, but there are usually one or two that really speak to us. If we speak their love language they will be responsive. If we don’t we can really hurt their feelings. I shared how one time I LOST it and yelled at them then I realized it really hurt their feelings (their eyes were as big as saucers). I apologized and put myself in timeout. Soon they were sitting beside me with their arms around me forgiving me. If I had not done the right thing I could have caused terrible harm. I also shared how my Katherine is a Quality Time kid and was always pulling on my leg for attention. The Lord impressed upon me how I could train her and her sister a better way to get my attention since I was obviously not aware of when they needed it. I sat them down and told them that I wasn’t very good at realizing they needed attention so whenever they wanted my undivided attention all they had to do was put their hand on my leg or shoulder and that would be MY que that they needed attention. Once I gave them eye contact they could tell me ”mommy I need attention” and I would actually stop whatever I was doing and go sit on the sofa and cuddle. We roll played this many times with me being me and then them being me. We pretended to wash dishes, talk on the phone, be in a conversation with a friend, all events that naturally happen so they could understand the application. And it worked and it still works today only I can’t put them in my lap anymoreJ  

I hope I have been able to give you tools that help you know your garments(children) by understanding their temperaments/personality types and how they receive love. Also how you can use God’s word effectively to pray purposefully and passionately for their strengths as well as their weaknesses so your garments can come out crisp, ready to be enjoyed. I want to thank you for your graciousness  and I pray God’s blessings on you all as you do YOUR ironing.

Blessings,

Alicia Ramirez

Passion Week~"As a Family" Devotion

Passion Week Schedule April 1st - 8th 

The idea of Passion Week is to come together as a family or families and devote time together walking through the last week of our Lord Jesus Christ’s life. It’s a time of deep reflection on what Jesus did for us. It’s also an amazing way to prepare your heart to evangelize the message of hope that Jesus’ death and resurrection has brought to our own lives and to share that hope with our family members we will be spending Easter with.
Palm Sunday Services April 1st
Pre-glow @ 8am
Palm Sunday Services @ 9am or 11am
Pre-glow @ 6-6:30pm
Arising @ 7pm
As a family, read the account of Palm Sunday in Matthew 21:1-17. Talk about “Hosanna”-please save or save now. Talk about those people you know that need salvation and who you’d invite to Easter service.
Monday April 2nd Prayer
Prayer at church @ 6 am & 6pm
As a family, read Matthew 21:18-46. Talk about the importance of prayer and the attitude of our hearts vs.22. Talk about asking for forgiveness in the 1^st parable and receiving His Son in the 2^nd parable. Pray together as a family. Pray for those people God has placed on your heart to invite and that they would receive Jesus.
Tuesday April 3rd Worship
As a family, read Psalm 22; 100; 148; 150; Hebrews 13:15. Talk about the importance of praising God with our whole being. Sing songs with one another and give reasons you can praise God in your own life.
Wednesday April 4th Seder Meal @ Church
Service @ 7pm…we will be partaking in a Seder with all the elements that a Jewish family would have but we will be talking about how each piece points to Jesus.
Thursday April 5th Communion
As a family, read Matthew 26:17-30. Have communion as a family. Talk about what Jesus’ blood being shed and body being broken has done for you.
Good Friday Services April 6th 
Service @ 6:30pm - Potluck
As a family, read Matthew 27:1-61.  As a family, discuss why this day is called ”good” when nothing good seems to have taken place. Talk about why it was necessary for Jesus to die.
Saturday April 7th Reflection
Suggested movies to watch:
Adults -The Passion of the Christ.
Children – Jesus Movie For Children.
Idea: Make resurrection cookies as a family.
http://www.devotions.co.uk/cookies.shtml
Easter Sunday Services April 8th 
Hallelujah!  He Has Risen!
Sunrise Service @ 6am
Pre-glow @ 8am
Easter Services @ 9am or 11am